Lots of trauma this month.
October 7th was a shock and a bit of a wake-up call for me. I have never really taken a side on the Middle East because it’s such a volatile topic. Even when I was at my most ornery and argumentative, I would never dip my toe into that area of debate. Not just because of my own perception that I didn’t know enough about the issues (it turns out that, like math, I actually know more than I ever gave myself credit for) but also because the passions it inflamed go above and beyond the pale: I simply wasn’t ready for that heat.
As I struggled to make sense of that day and what it really meant to me, my father called me up out of the blue to let me know that he was getting a checkup and that it may have to do with his cancer returning. He had a throat cancer diagnosis in 2017 and went through all the motions to get rid of it and it was successful. But now his wife was urging him to get his shoulder examined because he was feeling pain.
This worried me. It didn’t feel right.
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Fast forward to a month later almost to the day: after spending a sleepless night on social media platforms reading some of the insensitive and clueless proselytizing from people who refuse to denounce the actions of Hamas on October 7th 2023, I decided that I now know where I stand: I am a liberal who sided with Israel… or rather, Israelis.
It is clear that there is such a rampant stream of antisemitism rearing its ugly head these days that I have to take a moral stand personally. I am no fan of government in general so my stance is not rooted in any love for foreign policies on either side of this fence. I am not about defending Israel’s position towards the Palestinians and I am DEFINITELY not going to praise Hamas for this latest round of terrorism. I unequivocally denounce their actions in Gaza. It was truly deplorable.
But I know historically Israel has always struggled. The nation itself is only 75 years old but the hatred towards the Jewish people goes back very far. I do not align myself with the Trumpers and MAGAts and evangelical Christian hypocrites who stand by Israel as a talking point for their agendas. I stand by Israel as someone with many friends and peers who have shown me their kindness and generosity over the years and who happen to be Jewish.
I was raised in a Protestant Christian environment and let me tell you: there can be some simmering resentment towards Jews thanks to the misconception that they killed Jesus. Thankfully I was not raised this way. Instead I was raised to respect their biblical entitlement as The Chosen People. I was taught at an early age that those who side with Israel shall prosper.
And the person that taught me that was my father.
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My father is not a perfect person. If you know anything about me beyond what I normally reveal, then you know that he and I have had our share of disagreements on all matters of seeming importance: politics, religion, and everything in between. But I always respected his tolerance of Jews, mainly because I went to schools outside of my regular district and shared classes with more Jewish kids than I would’ve been exposed to at my local school.
It wasn’t a grudging respect either. Because the Bible made it clear that God had a plan for the people of Israel, there was no doubt in my father’s mind that it was an irrevocable truth. Given that the Old Testament is basically a chronicle of how the Jewish people disobeyed God and wound up in captivity time and time again only to be led through the wilderness and misery by holy prophets who understood God’s plan, I don’t understand how people could be jealous of the Jews being “chosen”. It always sounded to me like a huge burden to bear.
But that’s what made it so appealing to my dad. “Nothing worth doing comes easy” is how he broke it down to me. And he was right. On that, he still is right. So he was on my mind when I was online dueling it out with know-nothing Gen Zers and millennials who get all their information from hateful bigots and other know-nothings.
Then my older brother called me. He was crying. He got the news of my dad’s checkup: stage 4 terminal cancer that had spread to his kidneys, and an inoperable tumor in his shoulder.
I was calm, and I spoke with him and reassured him that, as bad as this sounds, (and it couldn’t sound any worse, right?) we shouldn’t just throw in the towel. There was time to do things, to make amends, to spend time, to pray and hope for more time.
The last time he’d been diagnosed, I dealt with these emotions. I’ve put myself through that ringer. Now upon hearing this news I am prepared, in a way. It is still sad, and it is not something I am looking forward to, but I accepted it a while ago and I’m ready… I think.
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I called my dad to confirm and he sounded like he was in good spirits. My sister later confided to me that he and his wife had been crying nonstop the day before, but on the phone his voice was bright and cheery. He was putting on an act, projecting strength.
We talked briefly. I knew it was all he could do to keep from breaking down. I told him that I thought he was right all along about Israel, that even if he and I never see eye-to-eye on things like gay marriage or abortion or taxes, I did agree with him about the Middle East. All he asked of me was to finally marry my girlfriend so that we would be “right with God”. I could accept that.
I’m making plans to fly out there soon and see him after Christmas. I’m taking my son with me. I haven’t figured out how to tell him yet. I don’t want to ruin things for him. But he needs to know. It’s his grandfather after all.
Yes, like I said: a lot of trauma this month.
